Day 4, Part 3: I am Thankful For and Why Can't I Thank God?

Day 4, Part 3: I am Thankful For and Why Can't I Thank God? 

April 10, 2014, Thursday, 239 p.m.

I am thankful for:

109 That we are still free in the United States of America that I can have a primarily Christian blog

110 That we are still free enough in the United States of America I can read my Bible and study it.

111 The ability to read.

112 My e-reader, my Amazon Kindle Fire HDX 8.9-inch, that I can carry all of my books on.

113 My book bag so I can carry my Amazon kindle Fire, my “ONE THOUSAND GIFTS” Book by Ann Voskamp, my “ONE THOUSAND GIFTS DEVOTIONAL” by Ann Voskamp, and my new bible everywhere I go.

114 That I can carry everything listed in 113.

115 I can watch my turtles swim for hours. So relaxing and serene. Watching God’s critters do what He created them to do.

116 Caffeinated coffee on the days I need it, like right now.

117 Our friend, B3, who we go to dinner and movies with every weekend.

118 Tonight is dinner and movie night since this weekend will be crazy.

119 My Cracker Barrel “Laugh Often” flowery mug. It makes me happy.

120 My yellow and red big plastic cup from Dickey’s Barbeque Pit in Denver that I love so much. I now have five of them. They are just the right size where I don’t have to get up and get water too often. I can stay in place and write, journal, read the Bible, and give thanks to God.

MY SIX LIFE-CHANGE-ON-A-DIME MOMENTS: WHY CAN’T I THANK GOD FOR THEM?

Yesterday, I talked about how there are six events in my life, that all go together, but are six life-transforming moments, over the last year or so, particularly since a month before Thanksgiving 2013. I realized yesterday, and the day before, how I’ve given thanks for five of them, but do not know if I really meant the thanks I’ve given for them. At the time, I thought I did. But, now, I wonder if I really have. The sixth has been in the last couple of weeks, so it’s quite new to me and B, my husband.

I can honestly say that through numbers one through five, I have not doubted God. It’s been hard, sure, but I haven’t doubted. Not at all.

With number six, I do not doubt, but I am not sure what to think of it yet.

Am I finding it hard to thank God for numbers one through six because until He answers the prayer my way, I won’t? Am I refusing to? (Ouch—and gulp—just thinking it’s a possibility.)

Or, do I just not understand enough about thanks yet? Maybe.

Or, do I just need to offer more thanks—then I will find it easier to thank Him for the six? I think this is quite likely.

Or, is it because I need to spend some time with Him, so He can change me and my mind and heart, then I will be able to do so? I also think this is likely?

Regardless, until I can figure out the answer, the two common denominators I’m seeing are:

1 Keep thanking God, no matter what, and at least about everything else.

2 Spend time with Him and in His Word.

I will keep doing number one and two I just listed, and keep revisiting the question of: Why can’t I thank God for #1-6 life-change-on-a-dime moments? I will need to ask myself this at least once a day until I can answer the question—and then until I am able to thank God for them and mean them.

You know what, I’m tired of being cryptic. I will not share the details, but know this:

#1-5 deal with infertility.

#6 has to do with how we keep trying to apply for adoption, only to have yet another door closed.

It’s #6 that bugs me the most, not #1-5.

I’ve literally wanted a baby every day since I was about three years old. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t wanted one. I will never know the blessing of carrying a baby in my womb. (That really hurts.)

I KNOW that I know, that I know, God has a perfect plan and His timing is perfect. Hence, no doubt. I know we will have a child. Someday. I KNOW it.

It just hurts.

I also think that the child just isn’t ready for us yet. Or, the people in the child’s life aren’t. Or, the people in our lives aren’t. I know God is moving the pieces and parts to His perfect alignment so His glory will be best revealed.

I just want it now. This has been a five year journey to get to this point. This is the part that also hurts.

How do I thank God for these things? Well… I know He has by far a better of a plan. I know this. It’s just hard missing everything that leads up to the plan. Missing the naming of the baby, the carrying of the baby, the bonding after birth with the baby, the firsts of holding up their head, etc.

That being said, though, B and I are looking to adopting a child from ages one to five. So many only want a baby. We’re willing to go older. We will also do an American adoption. After all, the USA is the country most other countries come to in order to adopt. Did you know that? Not China. The USA. Just like we also have the largest sex slave industry. And, we are the country most go to for Christian missions as well. We are so lost. That’s why we want to adopt USA. We want to save a child from going to another country, when we think the USA is the best country on earth, in spite of all of our problems as a country.

How do parents thank God when they carry a child to full-term only to have a stillbirth? How do parents thank God when their child is molested? How do our parents thank God when their children are stabbed at school in a mass stabbing?

How do we thank God when… Fill in the black with life-change-on-a-dime-moments and/or with life challenges. How do we? How is it possible? And, who would want to?

I’ve learned to ask “WHY GOD” through the years, but not meaning what you think. I never question God as far as why. Why? Because He wants to. It’s part of His plan. That’s all I need to know. I am not God. I do not see with eternal, infinite eyes, the sinner I am with finite eyes.

Why do I ask “Why God?” And, what do I mean when I do? The answer is two-fold:

1 Why me and not someone else?

2 Why now and not another time?

The answer to each helps me know what I am supposed to do through it and because of it. It’s questions to align myself with God’s will.

Does this make sense? Those two questions should be asked each day and in each moment. They help us see the blessings, where God is working, and tell us how to join Him in His work and in His will/purpose.

Now, I need to stop writing about all of that. My new Bible just got here. Pardon me while I go play and enjoy.