Confession and Running To: My Personal Journaling

I have a confession. I need to run to today (not runaway from). I need to run as fast as I can to my Lord who can bring me comfort and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need to rejuvenate in him and seek some healing.

I have a million things that need to come first. My to do list is long as can be. But, it will wait.

However, there are times when we have to deal with something head on--or it will deal with us. I think the time is now for me. I need to acknowledge some feelings and thoughts that I try to push down. You know... Act strong. 

I trust God and his timing. He knows best. He sees things through divine eyes and I only see through my small, scarred, limited, sinful, and human eyes. 

But, that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't feel beaten. That doesn't mean I don't feel low and yucky. That doesn't mean I have a lack of faith. It's just that after four+ years, it can be difficult to wait... To be patient... To not know when my prayers will be answered.

And, have you noticed that when other people's same prayers are answered, and yours hasn't been... It can hurt? And, you feel guilty for feeling that way? That's where I am at today.

The truth is in four years, I haven't cried once about this. I've remained strong. I've held to my faith. I've trusted. I have tried to do everything I can to push through, to keep moving forward, to not feel sorry for myself, and to know that God has bigger, better, perfect plans. 

He promised me this prayer will be a yes answer. But, it's in his timing, not mine. I know he is preparing me and my husband for this. I know he is preparing everyone else for it, too. 

But, sometimes, it's hard to remain forever strong and faithful.

Sometimes, I just want a hug by God. A reminder he hasn't forgotten. A reminder that it just isn't time yet--that it will happen--and he is proud of the race I've run so far. 

It hurts.

So, today, I am going to take some time and not be so strong and sort through everything I've dealt with for over four years. It's time. 

I am running to--deal with it. Not runaway from and avoid having to do so. 

I am running to God and want to see if he has anything to say. I sure could use a word from him. That is for sure. 

~ Stacy Duplease

Journalkeeper